How I’ll spend my $1 Billion from TARP

You will have to forgive me but I can’t hide my excitement.  As a struggling entrepreneur with a small undercapitalized company, I have just discovered a source of a major cash infusion to fund my ratings & review website, ConsumerConnection.com.  I am receiving $1 Billion from TARP, the Troubled Asset Relief Program.  Like an excited child on Christmas eve I can’t sleep at night for thinking of all the ways I can invest in my business!

Note to Hank Paulson; I have yet to apply for my $1 Billion so I don’t mean to speak for you.  In fact, I’m not sure what the application process is and I’m sure there is a form I will need to fill out.  I mean, there is always a form, right.  But already 67 companies have been granted $290 billion from the $700 billion TARP bailout fund, so I figure it’s there for the asking, right.  And I promise I won’t get greedy.  I mean AIG, the Insurance company most admired by massage therapists, has already been granted $100 billion.  I figure my request for only $1 billion is sure to be fast-tracked.  Thanks in advance, by the way.  I promise to spend it wisely.

So readers and ConsumerConnection.com members, how should I spend my $1 billion? Some of the things on my wish list include here-to-date optional items like, well, employees.  The President-elect is all about small business and they don’t get much smaller than a founder with no employees.  The website could use some updating and programmers might be a big idea.  Yes, employees would be good.  Just think how much ConsumerConnection can help the economy.  With $1 billion to spend I could hire 3 or 4 employees. I need to sit down.  All this excitement is making my head spin.

Of course, if I hire all those employees I will need a place to put them.  My wife is already annoyed that I hog the computer in our home office.  I doubt she will want 3 or 4 more people eating all our food and never letting the dogs out.  So, I will need to buy or build an office to house my growing workforce.  Not just any office.  We have all read articles about the swanky Google offices where Google employees come up with all those great ideas about not doing evil.  Apparently programmers and other technology industry types like to work in style. I will need a large plush office complex to attract all those programmers. Afterall, you must have room to grow.  And a chef!  That’s another investment I will need to make because, according to all the articles I’ve read, programmers like to eat well and a chef is mandatory because, while I believe in servant leadership, the only thing I can cook is canned soup.  I haven’t read much about soup being popular at Google headquarters.

So employees, a swanky headquarters building and a chef.  Hmmm, what else?  I suppose I need some Marketing people.  The last survey by Fortune showed ConsumerConnection.com was edged out of their Most Admired Companies list, so I will need to hire Marketers and PR staff.  That’s another big idea, PR staff.  I think I will also need a celebrity to pitch my website.  I was thinking John McCain, but I decided I should find someone who can use a computer.  So I still need to work on that one.  I guess I will also need some Accounting types to help me keep track of all my, er, sorry, the taxpayers’ money, that I will be receiving from TARP.

Speaking of all you taxpayers, I’d like to say thanks to you as well.  I will spend your money wisely.  Hey, a $1 billion investment in ConsumerConnection.com can’t be worse than $100 billion in AIG right?